Single is a mindset
Often I catch myself daydreaming about love, being in love, having someone to love. I would do this even when I was with my ex. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t really in love with him, (about four years in), and even though I was miserable being in love with him, because it was love un-reciprocated, I was even more miserable knowing that I wasn’t in love with him anymore. Then I was struggling with the idea of leaving and how that would affect my kids… but I’m going off track here.
It’s quite odd for me to be single, because I’ve pretty much never been. I started having serious boyfriends at 15, the first a boy named David. We were together only 6 months more or less, and after him, I got with my second love, Joe. I was a sophomore in High School, he a senior and we had a similar class called Nursery & Landscaping at this Skills Center we had back in Oregon. We didn’t have it together, he had a different period than me, but when I saw him, it was definitely love at first sight. I left him a love note in his plants one day, and it went from there. Yes, I’m pretty much an aggressor, when I see something I want, I go and get it. Anyways, we moved in together when I was 18, (actually, I got my own place and he got kicked out his grams house after she found a weed pipe. His grandpa said the funniest thing, “I’m just concerned that you were going to fall asleep with it in your mouth and burn the house down” Hahaha) I wasn’t a pot smoker, and that was a big issue for me because of the amount of money he would spend on that and other stupid shit, like guns and motor scooters. By age 21, I was bored with the relationship and didn’t really see it going anywhere so we broke up. From 21 to 22, I was single, this was before I had kids, so I was pretty much a party animal. Then I met someone and moved out of state. That relationship didn’t last longer than four months, and this was the moment I met Debon. I don’t know why I fell so hard for him, I guess I was in love with the idea of him, he definitely puts on a good front. Then I’ma chalk it up to pregnancy hormones, I had gotten pregnant very early in our relationship. Lord knows how hard I tried to make it work, and I’ve learned a lot from that relationship. I definitely realized how amazingly patient and forgiving I am, which I think are great traits, but I know I won’t be those things to anyone not deserving of them in the future, that’s for sure.
Anyways, now that I am single, I am finding it funny that I will catch myself in day dream mode about a lover. Is it genetically programmed in us to be in search of a mate? I’m assuming it is because I will realize what I’m doing and then say to myself, “Uh, excuse me? Snap out of it. Now is not the time to daydream about things that don’t exist at the moment.” And I don’t even go into this dream state about anyone in particular, I could see a couple walking in the store and that would trigger it, or be watching a movie and it will come up. I don’t have any crushes, and I really don’t even want to be in a relationship at the moment. I guess we all fantasize about different things, and maybe as time goes on, it will become easier and a less common thing. Maybe not. All I do know is that when God decides He’s going to bring a man in my life, a real man, who is everything I am looking for and need, it will be on His timing, not mine.
Until then, I’m still finding me. :)