Your man problem
Someone yesterday jokingly told me that they were going to help me with my “problem”. I asked them, “And what problem is that?”. “Your man problem… ” Since when do I have a man problem?! Ahahahahah
That is the funniest thing to me. I am single because I choose to be so. I was with my kid’s dad for six years. I am GOOD. I don’t need a man to define me as a person, I am quite content being single, and flirting with random guys that I want to flirt with or whatever. If I want to go out and meet guys, I’ll do that. I definitely do not have a problem in that department. But I am definitely not ready to settle down with a guy, so why bother? It’d just be a waste of energy and time on my part. Right now, it feels absolutely wonderful to be my own person, do what the cuss I want to do, when I want to do it, (which mostly consists of me vegging out at home or working out, or taking my kids to random places that their dad would flip out about) and actually having the freedom to figure out who the cuss I am. When you are with someone, you don’t really have your own individuality. A little bit yes, but you always have to have it in your mind that you are the half of another, together you are whole and you have to think about how your decisions affect that other half. Or how they might not like those other decisions. I’m not ready for that. My decisions, how I dress, how I speak, what I do, who I do it with, what music plays through my speakers, or on my television or where I’m headed with my career, or if I want to take a class, etc etc etc, only affects ME and my kids.
That is one thing that I absolutely hated about being in a relationship with the kids dad. He always had something to say about EVERYTHING! Good God, it was aggravating. That is one of the reasons why I stopped liking him. He was so focused on what he was doing, he didn’t like it when I would try to do things for myself. He didn’t like when I told him I wanted to go to school for accounting, in Los Angeles. But he liked those financial aid checks. Then when we moved out here to Texas, he wanted me to put it off even longer and just focus on us. Meaning, focus on his clothing line and music stuff. That’s not the only thing, he’d have something to say about how I dressed, when telling him a story about my day, he’d pick on stuff I told him that I said to other people (REALLY?!?), my friends, parenting (his way was ALWAYS right because he was the man, you know), how much I talked to my mom on the phone, (which wasn’t a lot, but when we did, it’d be for hours at a time, but who TF cares? It’s my mom, who lives in another state), relaxing after a day of work, my cooking and cleaning, etc, etc, etc. Why on earth would I want to deal with this stuff again? Um, no thanks. Being in a relationship takes A LOT of compromise, and I can admit, I’m probably not the easiest person to live with. I mean, I think I’m very laid back, but I cherish my freedom to do what I want and be who I want, and I can not take another controlling person in my life like that.
Since becoming single, I feel like me and the kids have experienced more things and been happier. They probably won’t remember when they are older, but I am happier knowing that they are going to school/daycare and learning something, going outside to play, & making friends rather than being stuck all day in their bedroom because their dad doesn’t want them to interrupt his “hustle” (music). I’m happier knowing that I won’t have to come home one day and wonder what on earth my son could have possibly done at two years old to warrant spanking him with a belt and leaving welts. I’m happier knowing that I won’t have to hear someone freaking out because there is crayon mark on a wall (God forbid), or someone yelling at me to clean up the house after 9 hours at work when they are home all day themselves. We’ve seen more movies in the theater, gone to more parks, seen more animals, painted more pictures, snuggled our kitties, been to more birthday parties, gone to more festivals, and seen more of our town in the last six months that we have the past two years here with him.
So do I want a relationship? Eventually. But not right now. Right now, I am happy being me, and I want to give myself time to figure out who I am. I want to get my life together, my priorities straight and get us on a really good path for our future. Because no one is going to give us a future, we make it ourselves.